Why? Am I? How did this happen?

A quiet but important question often arises long before anyone says the word addiction:
Why do I keep doing this, even though I know it’s hurting me and the people I love?

If you’re asking yourself that, it isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of awareness.

Addiction is not about lack of willpower, poor character, or moral failure. It is about seeking relief. It’s what happens when something—an activity, a substance, a behavior—temporarily soothes emotional pain, stress, emptiness, or overwhelm, yet slowly creates deeper consequences in your life. And despite your intelligence, success, and discipline in so many other areas, you find you cannot simply stop on your own.

You may notice patterns that confuse you.
You don’t want to hurt your partner, your children, or your family—yet your actions keep doing just that.
You promise yourself this will be the last time, and still, it happens again.
You may ask, Why am I hurting the people I love? What’s wrong with me?
And underneath it all, there’s guilt, shame, regret, and a quiet sadness you rarely let anyone see.

From the outside, your life may look accomplished and well-managed. Inside, you may feel increasingly disconnected—from your family, from yourself, from peace. The harder you try to control it, the more helpless it can feel.

This is not because you are broken.
It is because something in you learned, long ago, that this was a way to cope.

At Deslongchamps Recovery, we understand that addiction is not the problem—it is an attempt to solve one. Healing begins not with judgment, but with kindness, curiosity, and care for the nervous system and the whole person. When the body and mind feel safe, change becomes possible.

If any of this resonates with you, you are not alone—and you are not beyond help.

Not why the addiction, but why the pain?

Addiction, as understood through the lens of Dr. Gabor Maté, is not a moral failure, a lack of willpower, or a bad choice. Addiction is a response to pain. It is an attempt—often unconscious—to soothe deep emotional wounds, stress, trauma, or disconnection that a person has carried, often since childhood.

Dr. Maté teaches that the essential question is not “Why the addiction?” but “Why the pain?” Addictive behaviors and substances serve a purpose. They temporarily relieve emotional suffering, numb overwhelming feelings, or create a sense of control, safety, or belonging when those needs were not met earlier in life. In this way, addiction is not the problem itself—it is a coping strategy that once helped a person survive.

After more than 25 years of studying addiction recovery, we here at Deslongchamps Recovery were deeply relieved to come across the teachings of Dr. Gabor Maté. He spent his life working directly with people struggling with addiction, meeting them with compassion rather than judgment. His understanding of addiction resonated profoundly with us. It hit home because it aligned with what we had witnessed again and again: good people in pain, not broken people making bad choices.

We found truth in his teachings, and as a result, we embrace the same foundational understanding of addiction and its causes. Combined with our own many years of personal struggles and lived experience with addiction, this perspective allows us to offer something honest, humane, and deeply respectful.

Addiction thrives in shame, isolation, and self-blame. Healing, on the other hand, begins with kindness, safety, and curiosity. When people are supported in understanding their pain—rather than being judged for their behaviors—they can begin to heal at the root. Recovery is not about fixing what is “wrong” with someone; it is about reconnecting with what was hurt.

This is why, at Deslongchamps Recovery, we focus on helping people understand not why the addiction, but why the pain. And it is our privilege to share this understanding in hopes of helping others find compassion for themselves and a path toward genuine healing.

 Addiction thrives in confusion and silence. When it is understood, it becomes something that can be addressed and healed. We work closely with you to build a meaningful understanding of addiction—one that empowers you rather than overwhelms you. Awareness brings light, and light dissolves darkness. What is not acknowledged cannot be changed.